October 7th, 2005

Today is a bittersweet day. Today is the day my first baby would have been due.

It's bitter because I never got to meet that baby. I never got to hold it.

It's sweet because if that baby hadn't come and gone so quickly, the baby that is kicking me as I type would not be here.

People who have never experienced a miscarriage....especially from a pregnancy that was very much planned for and very much wanted, can't usually understand how hard it is. I'm writing this here to get my feelings out, but it's not something I am talking to people about today, because they really don't understand. They think, "How attached could you be to a baby you never met?" What they don't understand is that in those 3 months we had with that tiny baby, Marcelo and I dreamed the baby's whole life. We had plans, and hopes...but it didn't turn out like we wanted.

This is a poem I'm putting in his/her scrapbook, along with it's two ultrasound pictures.

An Angel Never Dies

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.
Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word,
I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.
You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.
I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.
There will come a time,
I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.
Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes...
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........

It's a BOY!

I am so good. I knew it was a boy. I knew it was a Diego.

The ultrasound was amazing. If I had more time, I'd write about it in detail. But I must go take my brother to the airport.

I'll just say this: I've never EVER seen Marcelo so ecstatic. In the 3 years we've been together, I've never seen that look on his face. It sounds cheezy, but it is absolutely true that his eyes were sparkling. I could SEE his happiness oozing out of him. It was a beautiful moment.

And then of course he was back to his normal self when the sonographer said, "It's definitely a boy" and he replied, "That's not a boy, that's a MAN!" And when the sonographer said, "See, there's the scrotum," Marcelo acted like he was all choked up and said, "I never thought I'd say this.......but that's a beautiful scrotum."

Boys will be boys. And I will now have two of them in my house!