So I gave up blogging for two and a half years. I've been documenting our life through Chatbooks. It's so easy and I love it. However, the majority of what I post to my Chatbooks is surface, superficial stuff. What we're up to, funny things the kids did /said, milestones, that sort of thing. So yes, it does serve as a journal in some ways, but I don't write lengthy posts that talk about feelings and deeper, more vulnerable things. Tonight I'm feeling like doing that, so I figured it was a good time to start blogging again.
In T minus 2 weeks, Mila will start kindergarten. Today we chopped off ten inches of her hair. It was hard for me to let go of those luscious locks, but it needed to be done and seeing her new shoulder length look made me forget all about the sadness that I felt before. However, I was grumpy for most of the day after that. I blame it on my kids bugging me and didn't analyze it further. At one point after the kids were in bed, I realized something was brewing in my brain and told Marcelo, "I'm feeling too many emotions." Another hour after that, I said, "ughhhh I'm so down!" And then proceeded to burst into tears. Somehow my sweet husband knew exactly what it was about, almost before I did. He hugged me and told me that the new phase of life I'm entering is going to be great and that I'll get to do all these things I haven't been able to do for years and blah blah blah. I just thought, yes, but it's the end of an Era!!!! Something about getting Mila a drastic back to school cut today just made me think....it's over. How is this phase of life over? When I told him that I can't help but look back at all the regrets, he said, "The past is in the past. Bonk on your head. Lion King." 😂 He's great at pep talks.
But for real. I can't help but look back and kick myself for not doing things differently. Slowing down. Enjoying it more. I'm glad I can say that this last year with Mila was full of special time with just the two of us. I enjoyed her so much. But all the time before that is such a blur. I guess that's normal for moms of young kids. You're in survival mode for so long, just getting through the day. You're physically and emotionally tired all the time, you're busy busy busy, and it just flies by. Add to that the fact that I suffered from anxiety and depression after I had Mila, and I basically don't remember about 18 months of my life.
And now she's going to kindergarten. And I'll be home alone all day. Part of me wants to do a happy dance for all the peace and quiet I'll have. Part of me is so motivated to get my house in order and carve out time to workout, read scriptures, meal plan and do everything I've never felt like I had the time, energy, or motivation to do. But a big part of me just wants to rewind time and have a do over. Squeeze those babies for longer. Enjoy their sweet voices and their funny stories. All of that sounds so much better than dealing with sex-ed, deciding what to do about middle school, comforting tender hearts that are dealing with mean kids, tutoring frustrated minds, and everything else this school year will bring. NO. I DON'T WANT TO.
But I have to. And I'm sure at some point I'll look back on this time the same way I'm looking at these past 11 years.
"It's the ciiiiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiife."
8 years ago