Recovery

Well, it has been about 4 months since we lost the baby. It still seems like a bad dream. Although I'm doing much better, I still have my difficult moments. It's getting less difficult to be around Marcelo's sister and cousin and watch their bellies grow as mine doesn't.
A few nights ago I went back and read what I wrote in here just a few days after my miscarriage. When I wrote it, I printed it out and taped it in my paper journal. I figured it was easier than writing 10 pages in my journal and making my hand fall off. Anyway, a few nights ago, I went back through my paper journal and read it. I needed to mourn it again. I needed to cry about it again because I hadn't cried about it since April. It didn't depress me. I just needed to re-live it, cry, and move on. I think I'll do that every once in awhile. For one thing, I think it will help me protect my heart the next time around because if I'm getting overly excited I'll remember how much it hurt to lose the baby. Also, I think it helps me hold on to that first baby and not forget him/her.
I have come to the realization that God knows exactly what he is doing. I think I needed this trial in my life to help me trust more in Him. I was making my plans and plotting everything out perfectly. But they say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." I just didn't believe that it applied to me. I felt like I had everything under control. This gave me the kick in the butt that I needed to be reminded that no, no, no, it is not in my control. Mostly, though, it helped me trust God a whole lot more. When it first happened, I was like, "What the heck good can come of this??? If you didn't want me to have a baby, you should've just not let me get pregnant! Why did you have to let me get pregnant and then just take it away? What the heck is the point? What am I supposed to learn from this?" But now, just 4 months later, I know what I was supposed to learn. That God knows what he's doing.
You see, when I got pregnant, I was working a stressful stressful job that I hated. They kept adding responsibility and not compensating me for it. I would come home in the worst possible mood almost every night. But I was afraid to leave after I graduated because I didn't think I'd be able to find a job in my field....at least not a good paying job. But after the miscarriage, I felt so guilty and like the stress of my job had been a contributing factor to the loss. I kept thinking that if I hadn't been so stressed out, maybe it wouldn't have happened. I now know that this was crazy talk, but at the time, it made me decide to get the heck out of that job. So I prayerfully made the decision to quit. Two weeks into my job search, I felt like I had made a huge mistake. I was looking for a job every single day, with no success. I was like, Why did God let me quit if he didn't have another job for me? In week 3, I decided to go to the gym with my cousin and take a break from the job search. At the gym, I ran into this guy from my church that works at the local newspaper. I asked if there were any openings, and he said he would look into it for me. Three more weeks passed by. I started to feel really depressed. I cried my eyes out everyday. I didn't want to get out of bed. The stress and pressure of being out of work for 6 weeks, combined with the recent miscarriage just got to be too much. I felt like an idiot for beginning a job search at a time when I was already sad because hello, job searching depresses people even more. But after 6 weeks of not having a job, Bob from the newspaper called me and told me there was an opening. I came in and interviewed for it and got the job on the spot. And now, I have the easiest, most slack job in the universe!!! And on top of that, it is in my field! I'm writing two TV shows. My bosses live out of state, so I come and go as I please. I have no one to answer to. I can work at my own pace. For about 20 to 25 hours of work, I get paid for 40. It's seriously, the best thing I could ever ask for. It's going to be perfect for a pregnancy, because if I don't feel well I can just stay home and not come in until like 10 or so. If I need to leave to take a nap, I can do that, too. (Yeah, I've already done that several times. Three hour lunches are fantastic.)
So, in conclusion, I didn't trust that God knew what he was doing, but he definitely did. Everything happened the way it was supposed to. If I hadn't had the miscarriage, I would have never left my old job. Also, Marcelo just got a new job, so we are now in a much better position to have a baby. So we're trying. If our trying results in another miscarriage, yes I will be sad and it will be hard, but at least I will have the knowledge that it's happening for a reason and that things will turn out fine.