Personal Junk Your Probably Don't Need to Read

Last night was a pretty awful one. Eliana is really sick, so she slept in our bed. Never a fun time. Around 3, I woke up to, "Mommy, I need to go potty." After I took her to the bathroom, I could not fall back asleep for two hours. I laid there praying, "Please just let me fall asleep!" But sleep didn't come. Instead I thought about this blog post. Which was weird because it's not something I was planning on ever writing. But I guess I will.

Recently, it was brought to my attention that it's possible that I may come off as braggy on Facebook and Instagram. When I post things I do with my kids or as a family, it can be seen as show-offy. I feel pretty dumb. Naive. Whatever you want to call it. 

I've heard many moms talk about how hard it is to be a mom at this time because there are so many ways to see what other moms are doing and compare yourself to them. Moms will look at Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, blogs, etc, and feel bad about themselves because of what other moms are doing. While I understand how some could feel this way, I haven't felt that way myself, so I didn't really stop to think that anything I post online could make someone else feel that way. Let me explain.

I have SO many talented friends. One friend knits and crotchets the cutest things and sells them. Another sells adorable things she sews. Other friends make up recipes and have a popular blog and a couple of cookbooks. Another friend is such a talented writer that reading her blog about life with 5 kids cracks me up and makes me cry at the same time. Another friend is an amazing photographer. Another friend knows how to save her family tons of money by being a savvy shopper and couponing. Another friend has a year's worth of Family Home Evening lessons all ready to go in a binder and is great at finding teaching opportunities for her kids. Another friend is great at keeping an organized, spotless house. Another friend recently built a table for 10 using 2x4s, power tools, and her bare hands. When she was done with that, she built a slide next to her banister so coming down the stairs could be a tad bit more fun. After that, she cut a whole out of the wall in her sons' room to make a loft in the attic. Did I mention she has 6 kids and homeschools? And makes almost all her own food from scratch due to several allergies in the family? When I saw the pictures she posted of all the projects she's been doing, you know what I did? I sent her a message telling her how amazing she was. I sent her husband a message telling him his wife was Supermom. You know why? Because she is my FRIEND. And I love her. So her talents/abilities do not make me sad. They don't make me feel like I am less of a mother/wife. They don't make me roll my eyes with jealousy. They make me happy for her. They make me admire her. I feel that way about all of my friends. What's the point of being friends if you can't be happy for each other, support each other, and lift each other up? Really. What's the point? When someone I know is good at something, I tell them so. When someone I know is good at something I want to be good at, I ask them to teach me. That's how I started doing summer themes with my kids. My sister in law told me about what she was doing with her girls and I had seen some pictures of little field trips they took. It didn't make me roll my eyes and call her a show off. It made me think that sounded really fun, so I asked her to tell me how she planned it. 

The thing I have a hard time understanding...and I really don't mean any of this post to come off in a mean spirited way at all...is why moms compare themselves so much. I mean, to me, the bottom line is that my kids are never going to want to trade moms with someone else. Well, maybe when they're teenagers, who knows. But right now, they may think someone else is fun, a great cook, has a much more beautiful house, etc, but they will never want someone else to be their mom. I'm their mom. They know I love them. They love me. So what's the point of looking at someone else and thinking, "She's a better mom than I am because of X"? To my kids, she's not! My kids were sent to me because I am meant to be their mom. God has given me the talents/abilities that I need to meet their needs and help them on the path of life. So I just don't feel the need to compare myself. That doesn't mean I don't look at someone else and say, "Dang, I wish I knew how to use power tools." Or "I wish I knew how to sew" or "She seems like such a positive and loving mom. I want to be that kind of mom." But the key is that it doesn't make me 1) annoyed/jealous that another mom knows how to do those things, and 2) feel like I am less because I don't. 

I feel like I get down on myself enough on my own without adding anyone else into the mix! I think most moms are hard on themselves because we're all just very concerned about doing a good job. So there are many days where I go to bed and think back on the day and think, "Man, I sucked today. I raised my voice too much, I wasn't patient enough, I didn't give the kids any outside time, I still didn't fold that laundry..." the list goes on. But I also try to celebrate my victories, too. Sometimes Marcelo will come home from work and I'll whisper to him, "I haven't lost my cool a single time today." And he'll give me a high five because he gets it. 

I've been having a lot of emotional struggles for a long time. I haven't talked about them on here because I have just wanted to keep them private. And I haven't really felt like I could put into words how I am feeling. It's not because I'm trying to paint a perfect picture of my life. I think my closest friends and family know how far from picture perfect it is! I write on this blog to record all these things for my kids. And I haven't felt like it was time to talk about what I've been going through on here just yet. But the point is, I haven't wanted my kids to be affected by the way I've been feeling, so I've kind of overcompensated by going over the top with the stuff I do for them. I've gone out of my way to make things extra fun and special. And in doing that, it has made me feel better emotionally. Putting smiles on their faces puts a smile on mine. Honestly, I feel pretty annoyed at myself that I feel like I need to justify or explain why I do what I do. Because that means that I've let other people's opinions of me affect me and I really try not to do that. 

This whole experience has made me decide to share less. Or be more choosy about who I share with. I've always shared because the only reason I do a lot of things I do is because someone else shared and taught me the idea. I've gotten new family traditions that way, I've streamlined things in my life that way, I've gotten a new go-to recipe that way, and on and on. But this has just kind of made me think it's probably better to be a little less open at times. I think...I hope...that the people who know me well know that I am not a pompous show off. I'm very self-deprecating. I make fun of myself A LOT. It's a habit that has stuck since high school. I never ever try to make others feel less than. If I have ever done that to any of my friends, I am very sorry. Friendships are so important to me. Having a sisterhood means so much to this sister-less girl. And I THINK I'm a supportive friend. I am a loyal friend. I strive to lift, not tear down. I hope I am doing that to all the people closest to me. I hope I can teach my kids how to be that kind of friend.

Final thoughts after I have gone back and read this and agonized whether to hit publish or not:

1. I am very flawed. I have a lot of short comings. I do not think I'm better than anyone. I do not mean any of this post to sound like I think I'm super enlightened and awesome because I try hard to not compare myself to other moms. 

2. I'm really grateful for all the friends and family I have who love and support me, even with all my flaws.

3. Ugh, this is all so very dramatic. I'm done. I'll go back to posting pictures of my crazy kids now.

Crazy Girl

Eliana goes from sweet to psycho in 16 seconds. Camila barely notices, as she is just too used to her sister's crazy/scary voice.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151687103851269&l=7544366871731559094

Thankful

It's November, the month where we focus on all of our blessings. Our thankful tree is up and the kids love putting up a new lead each night. I'm instangramming my thankful list daily. It's just convenient. So here's the recap of the last 10 days.

Day 1: Thankful for sweet Diego. (kids get mentioned on their birth dates)

Day 2: Thankful for angel Camila.

Day 3: Thankful that my girls nap daily. It's precious time!!

Day 4: SO thankful I get to be Mommy to these 4 beautiful kids. (Took that miracle shot with my camera on self timer mode. Miracle!)

Day 5: Thankful for nitrous oxide...the only thing that kept Celo from freaking out at the dentist.

Day 6: Thankful that 3 out of 4 kids eat their veggies and ask for more. In the picture, Celo is stealing green beans off my plate. Take a wild guess who hates all healthy food.

Day 7: Thankful for morning walks and the awesome pictures Eliana takes on my phone while I exercise.

Day 8: Thankful for doctors and blood tests that figured out my health issues.

Day 9: Thankful that the internet makes it easy to but used things from other moms. Double jogging stroller for 25? Yes, please!

Day 10: This was the caption I put on the photo - Thankful for 10 years with my Ben Stiller look alike. (Or so we're told.) It's been 10 years of joy, laughter, and a rapidly receeding hairline. He responded, "I knew you laughed for 10 years, but I hadn't realized it was at my ever balding noggin." I replied, "It's a beautiful bald head, I think we both know that." I love that guy.

Eliana the 13 year old

I posted this picture on Instagram earlier this week. For the second day in a row, Eliana wanted to make her own lunch. I got everything out for her and she did the rest herself. She cut up a banana using the IKEA kid knives (I love the IKEA plates, cups, forks, spoons, etc!) and spread peanut butter on two slices of bread. She did so good! If we had any honey, she would have squirted that on top, but we're currently out. I'm only buying local honey now (for the kids' allergies) and they only sell it at a couple of places. Tangent.



Anyway, so I posted this on Instagram with the caption, "She makes her own lunch. She also dresses herself head to toe including shoes, socks, and a ponytail. You know what? I'm just going to say it. Girls are smarter than boys. ;)" (I was kidding.)

And I was going to leave it at that, but then two different people mentioned to me how advanced she is, and I thought, I should blog this. I'm positive that when she's older, she will love to hear it. So this is not meant to be boastful at all. I am seriously just amazed by this child.

Looking back, it seems like all signs pointed to her being a teenager trapped in a child's body since the beginning. When she was born, she was wide awake and super alert taking in everything around her:

Then there was the attitude face she mastered at just 6 months old:

And the womanly hair she had from the start (1 year old):

I mean seriously. She already looked so old at 2 years old!:

And was already trying to make us laugh at every opportunity:

When Camila was born, people told me my boys would be able to help. HA!! No. They were not interested. But my two year old brought me diapers and wipes like a champ. She was a mini mommy.

I think the thing with Eliana is that she has been convinced that she's grown up since she was born.

This girl is SO full of personality, spunk, life, whatever you want to call it. She is a character. She cracks us up daily. Sometimes it's bad! She uses her skills of hilarity to get herself out of trouble. Dinner time (any meal time, really) is the worst time for the parent/Eliana relationship because she refuses to eat pretty much anything. She's the pickest eater we have. So at mealtimes is when she gets herself into trouble. We'll be sitting at dinner and we'll tell her to eat for the 1,000th time. She fights it and fights it, until the moment she realizes, "Uh oh...they're starting to get upset." At that point she starts pulling out all the stops to make us laugh. She makes faces, funny noises, says silly things, whatever it takes to get us to crack. And we fall for it. It's too hard not to.

One night, she was not doing a great job at accepting the fact that it was bedtime. She was trying to use her funny antics on me to get me to be fine with letting her stay up. I was sitting on her bed firmly telling her it was time for her to stay in bed, and she started to make funny faces to soften me up. I held strong and pointed at my face and said, "Do you see my sad face?" She looked at me for a second and then got a giant smile on her face and said, "Do you see my happy face?" And then started cracking up. This is her trick that works every time: If Mommy is mad, just laugh at what she's saying with your big giant belly laugh until it's contagious and she can't help but laugh with you. I'll sit by her bed and say, "Eliana, why are you getting up tonight? It's time for bed! Why aren't you being a good listener?" And she'll reach out and caress my face and say, "Mommy, why are you so beautiful? HAHAHAHAHA" and start cracking up like she's soooo clever because she just complimented mommy and made her annoyance dissipate. It is impossible not to smile. IMPOSSIBLE.

Marcelo says that the things she says scare him because she sounds like a 6 year old half the time. We walked into Bed Bath and Beyond this week and were standing by the candles and she very quietly and nonchalantly said to no one in particular, "This store smells GREAT." This may be mommy (and daddy) goggles, but we just looked at each other like, "Great? Really? She talks like an adult." When Marcelo gets home from work, he can count on her to fill him in on what he missed. Like so, "Daddy, today we were playing outside and Camila was crawling because she didn't want to be walking, so she was crawling and then she scraped her knees and she got an owie. She was bleeding but she didn't cry. I got the band-aids for Mommy." At which point she'll turn to me and say, "I was telling Daddy what happened to Camila." Having a conversation with her is no different than having a conversation with the boys. It's weird. Especially after raising two boys who were nothing like this. Sure, they were super smart and adorable and knew their ABCs, but did they dress themselves at this age? Like 40% of the time. Did they know how to put their socks and shoes on by themselves? No. Did they show any interest in making their own lunches? Uh, definitely not. Did they have the vocabulary she does? Nope. Did they know how to write letters? Um, pretty much the letter O. And she writes tons of letters! Like I said, she thinks she's all grown up.

I posted this on Instagram a couple of weeks ago with the caption, "Eliana needs her own show." This perfectly demonstrates her personality.

I can't express how grateful I am that I get to be her mom. I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father sent me 4 beautiful kids who are each special in their own way and who make it clear to me on a daily basis that we all come to earth with a built in personality!

Update

This is what's going on in our lives right now. Marcelo is furloughed because of this ridiculous government shutdown. While it's great to have him home (well...kind of home...I'll get to that), it's a stressful time for our family. We don't know how long it will last or when he will be able to return to work. We're having to think about things I always hoped we wouldn't have to think about. It sucks.

Since he's been "home", he hasn't been able to stay still. He's the kind of guy that needs to be busy. He's a worker bee. So on the first day, he tackled a cabinet project in the garage. Then he spent a day helping someone we know that needed some home repairs. Then he had to go to our rental house and spend several hours fixing the broken deck. He has also spent time helping his parents put in new floors. Since, as my dad informed me, "all work and no play" would make Marcelo a dull boy, my dad has taken him out to play golf so he can have some stress relief. This is a big sacrifice for my dad. ;)

Tomorrow he might start a big project we need to tackle. This is not the way we wanted these things to get done, but we have to try to look at the bright side!

Another bright side, the kids have loved having him home and ask him to take them to school every morning. It's a nice break for me! The extra family time has been great for all of us.

Come on, Government, GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!

Catching Up

Confession time.

I've been working on "catching up" for weeks now. Pretty much since school started. Want to know what I've caught up on? Nothing. How do the days fly by? How do I get so little done? I keep trying to tell myself that this is just where I am in life, but it's not helping.

Things I need to catch up on:

• Laundry
• Sock matching (worst. job. ever.)
• Dusting
• Cleaning and organizing closets, which includes taking out the kids' clothes that they've grown out of and bringing out the next size
• Blogging (hahahahahhaha, never going to happen)
• Editing several photoshoots
• Taming the paper clutter
• Cleaning under the beds
• De-cluttering pretty much every room
• Re-stocking up on household items via couponing (I used to have multiple bottles of dish and laundry detergent...now, half a bottle of laundry detergent left and then I better run to the store)
• Meal planning - been winging it for months
• Deep cleaning pretty much everything
• A million other things

I have suddenly become quite obsessive about having every corner of my house organized. But is it? Nooooo. Not even a tiny bit close. It's the opposite. So it frustrates me and stresses me out to no end on a daily basis. It's ridiculous.

Every time I walk into my house, I look up at my once beautiful wall of pictures and I see a spot missing a frame, where we had a play date accident and my beautiful frame broke. I think, "I need to get a new frame." But when?

Every time I walk into my kitchen, and look at my counter I think, "GAHHHH, this corner full of papers is driving me craaaazzzyyyyy. I need to look through this stuff and throw it out!" But have I? Nope.

Every time I walk into my bedroom, I think, "Just kill me." It's bad. Most neglected room of the house. That's kind of Camila's fault because her crib is in there, so I can never go in there to work on it when she's napping. I really really want to move her out, but that would first require a whole lot of re-organizing and it just hasn't happened.

Every time I walk into the living room, I look at my stained rug and I think, "I have got to get out the Resolve and try to get these spots out." But....there's always a but.

Every time I walk into the kids' rooms....wait. I don't. I'd rather live in ignorant bliss and believe them when they say they are cleaning it.

Seriously, what happened to me? This stuff used to roll off my back and I could overlook it and not worry. But lately, it is driving me insane. Insane, I say. If I had a million dollars, I would hire a professional organizer in a heartbeat.

I know it is completely unrealistic to think that I will be able to be a killer wife, raise 4 happy kids, keep up with their schoolwork and extra curricular activities, fulfill my church calling, cook balanced meals, keep a spotless and completely organized house, and have a side job as a photographer all at the same time. But dang it, I want to.

I've decided that the only way to lower the stress level is to at least try. So little by little, I'm trying to de-junk and get things more organized. There's just one little hang up: I'm really bad at it. I'm not a naturally organized person. Well, besides my pantry. For some reason, I keep my pantry looking like it's straight out of Sleeping with the Enemy ("labels OUT"). But everything else feels kind of chaotic. And I'm flippin' tired of it.

I feel bad because recently I have felt like I have neglected many other parts of my life, like spending time with friends and family or having any kind of a social life. But I just NEED to feel like things are more in order, so I choose to stay home and "get things done". It never feels like I do, but slowly I'm chipping away at the projects on my list. This week I filled up a bag full of linens to give away,  boxed up Camila's smaller clothes to give away, and matched some of the dang socks. Slowly but surely.

Now that I've outed myself as OCD, I better stop wasting time on the computer!

8 KIDS

Today I survived a full day of taking care of 8 kids ages 8 and under on my own. More importantly, they survived.

Let the record show.

If you're wondering how it went, well...it's 9:35 and I'm going to bed. Me. Who goes to bed at midnight on a nightly basis.

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

(P.S. I love every single one of those kids. But next time, I need backup.)