I've been wanting to post more pictures of what our elf has been up to, or the blog post that I started but never finished of all the funny things my kids have been saying lately. But instead I have to write about the only thing I've been able to focus on for the past 6 days. I've cried everyday, along with many moms all over the country.
Last Friday, I was doing some online Christmas shopping and eating my lunch. Both of my girls were taking naps. When I finished up the shopping, I opened up facebook and started seeing posts saying there had been a shooting at an elementary school in Connecticut and that 20 kids and 6 adults were dead. I pulled up the news articles in disbelief and began to cry. I cried so hard I almost made myself sick. I jumped up and woke up my girls and got to my boys' school as fast as I could. I knew (okay, mostly knew) that they would be fine, but it that moment, I needed to see them right away. I needed to hug them. I needed them to be around me or I was going to lose it. Four other moms were in the front office doing the same thing.
When we got home, I nursed the baby and read a bit more on social media wanting to know what happened. It was too much, and I knew I couldn't read it with the kids around. I shut down the computer and we went to play in the backyard. I was fighting back tears the whole time. I had such a hard time looking at my kindergartner and first grader, knowing they were the ages of the kids who lost their lives in this horrible, senseless, unfathomable tragedy. I felt this overwhelming need to get my kids in a picture with me right that minute. Both kids were wearing their school shirts, Eliana's hair was a rat's nest, and none of us matched. The photographer in me cares very much about these things, but in that moment, I could not have cared less. I put my camera on a chair on top of a table, and set it to the self timer. Usually, when I take pictures of my kids or of other people's kids, it takes about 30 frames to make sure I got the shot. I snapped 4 frames this time and two of them were keepers. I think the beeping self timer is what did the trick. I was so so happy that I got them all looking. Here are the keepers:
(Logo is on it because I posted it to facebook.) It still makes me tear up to look at these.
My mom came and took the kids for the rest of the evening. Usually I welcome a break like this and use it to catch up on things. But on that day, I was struggling to not call her and tell her to bring them home and I didn't get a single productive thing done. I just read the news (watching it was too much, so I only saw a couple of minutes before switching it off) and cried like it was happening to someone close to me. I think I'm a very sympathetic/empathetic person and it's not hard to put myself in an other's shoes. In this instance, that is exactly what has made me break down so much. I felt this so so very acutely because of the ages of my kids, because it happened in a small town, because this could have been me. When they were home and we were putting them to bed, I got in bed with each of them for a few minutes (which they thought was very strange), and then I said goodnight and I absolutely lost it. My heart literally hurt inside my chest thinking of all the parents who were not able to put their child to bed that night. I stayed up way too late because I couldn't stop thinking about it, about the presents hidden in closets that wouldn't get opened, about the siblings left to try to understand why their brother or sister was no longer around, about the survivors left traumatized, about how this holiday season will be the worst of 26 families' lives. The next day, I was so happy that the kids were home because being around them made me not focus on the horrific events. I stayed away from facebook because the little bit that I saw was people fighting about gun control and I wanted to scream at them. Yes, it's a serious issue, yes, mental health is an issue, but I just couldn't handle reading people's arguments knowing that people were so freshly grieving. I couldn't let myself focus on the fact that our world is full of anger, hatred, and evil. I was so happy that someone posted a link called "pictures that restored our faith in humanity" so I could remember that there is a lot of good in the world.
I decided very early on that I did not want my kids to know about this. I emailed the teachers to find out if they planned on discussing it because if they were going to talk about it, I wanted the boys to hear it from me first. But their teachers were not planning on bringing it up and had been instructed by the principal to not lead discussions on it, as discussing it was a personal decision for each parent to make. I'm so grateful for that because while there are some kids who can handle things like this, others cannot and I know my boys fall into the second category. They have obsessive personalities and are easily frightened. They hear about a hurricane and then it takes me weeks to convince them that a regular rainstorm is not going to turn into a hurricane and knock down our house. It's been 6 days and so far they haven't heard about it. I hope I can preserve their innocence for awhile longer.
This terrible event has changed me forever. I am 99% sure homeschooling is in my future, but I'll still prayerfully consider exactly when that will be. I do not want to make the decision out of fear. I got the feeling awhile ago that the middle school years would be taught at home, but it might happen sooner. My level of patience increased by a thousand over the weekend. I find myself just staring at my kids' perfect little faces. I randomly hug them and ask them if they know how much I love them. They probably think I'm nuts.
I'm a very "see the silver lining" kind of person. I know from experience that staying in a negative space, or allowing anger to creep in never does any good. In a situation like this, seeing the positive seems impossible. But I've been thinking about a woman's blog I read. Her name is Stephanie and she lost her 14 month old daughter in a drowning incident a few years ago. I started reading her blog immediately after it happened and was amazed by her faith and strength through it all. She was so open and honest about her grief and it taught me that it is possible to make it through something so awfully tragic, if you cling to the Lord. Women all over the world emailed her or commented on her blog telling her that reading her story made them hug their kids a little tighter. Some even began investigating the Mormon church. Others did acts of kindness in honor of her daughter. These things all gave Stephanie peace and made her feel like her daughter had a mission and her life had purpose. Each year on her daughter's birthday, she asks people to do a random act of kindness and tell her about it. As hard as it is, I'm trying to believe that these 20 kids gave a similar gift to parents around the world, prompting them to be better, show more love, etc. Many people are participating in a 26 (or 28, counting the shooter and his mother) acts of kindness movement, in an attempt to fight hate with love. I think everyone is just trying to do SOMETHING, anything, to ease their helplessness and bring something positive into what currently feels like a very dark world.
One of the families' who lost their daughter is LDS and have been on the news talking about how they do not have anger towards the shooter. They said they know their hearts wouldn't be able to handle it if on top of grief they also felt anger. I pray that I never have to face this type of situation, but if I do, I pray that I can follow the example of this couple. I am so so grateful for my knowledge of eternal families.
Okay, my heart can't handle any more aching for right now. Writing out my thoughts has been therapeutic, but I'm not strong enough to focus on this topic for a long stretch of time and I've reached my limit. Gotta stop before the tears start flowing again.
In the book of Mormon, in Mosiah 18:8-9 it talks about bearing one another's burdens and being willing to "mourn with those that mourn". I heard someone say this week that they hope that the mourning all of us around the world are doing is somehow helping the Connecticut families that are grieving. I hope our prayers are lifting them up, too.
