Recovery

Well, it has been about 4 months since we lost the baby. It still seems like a bad dream. Although I'm doing much better, I still have my difficult moments. It's getting less difficult to be around Marcelo's sister and cousin and watch their bellies grow as mine doesn't.
A few nights ago I went back and read what I wrote in here just a few days after my miscarriage. When I wrote it, I printed it out and taped it in my paper journal. I figured it was easier than writing 10 pages in my journal and making my hand fall off. Anyway, a few nights ago, I went back through my paper journal and read it. I needed to mourn it again. I needed to cry about it again because I hadn't cried about it since April. It didn't depress me. I just needed to re-live it, cry, and move on. I think I'll do that every once in awhile. For one thing, I think it will help me protect my heart the next time around because if I'm getting overly excited I'll remember how much it hurt to lose the baby. Also, I think it helps me hold on to that first baby and not forget him/her.
I have come to the realization that God knows exactly what he is doing. I think I needed this trial in my life to help me trust more in Him. I was making my plans and plotting everything out perfectly. But they say, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." I just didn't believe that it applied to me. I felt like I had everything under control. This gave me the kick in the butt that I needed to be reminded that no, no, no, it is not in my control. Mostly, though, it helped me trust God a whole lot more. When it first happened, I was like, "What the heck good can come of this??? If you didn't want me to have a baby, you should've just not let me get pregnant! Why did you have to let me get pregnant and then just take it away? What the heck is the point? What am I supposed to learn from this?" But now, just 4 months later, I know what I was supposed to learn. That God knows what he's doing.
You see, when I got pregnant, I was working a stressful stressful job that I hated. They kept adding responsibility and not compensating me for it. I would come home in the worst possible mood almost every night. But I was afraid to leave after I graduated because I didn't think I'd be able to find a job in my field....at least not a good paying job. But after the miscarriage, I felt so guilty and like the stress of my job had been a contributing factor to the loss. I kept thinking that if I hadn't been so stressed out, maybe it wouldn't have happened. I now know that this was crazy talk, but at the time, it made me decide to get the heck out of that job. So I prayerfully made the decision to quit. Two weeks into my job search, I felt like I had made a huge mistake. I was looking for a job every single day, with no success. I was like, Why did God let me quit if he didn't have another job for me? In week 3, I decided to go to the gym with my cousin and take a break from the job search. At the gym, I ran into this guy from my church that works at the local newspaper. I asked if there were any openings, and he said he would look into it for me. Three more weeks passed by. I started to feel really depressed. I cried my eyes out everyday. I didn't want to get out of bed. The stress and pressure of being out of work for 6 weeks, combined with the recent miscarriage just got to be too much. I felt like an idiot for beginning a job search at a time when I was already sad because hello, job searching depresses people even more. But after 6 weeks of not having a job, Bob from the newspaper called me and told me there was an opening. I came in and interviewed for it and got the job on the spot. And now, I have the easiest, most slack job in the universe!!! And on top of that, it is in my field! I'm writing two TV shows. My bosses live out of state, so I come and go as I please. I have no one to answer to. I can work at my own pace. For about 20 to 25 hours of work, I get paid for 40. It's seriously, the best thing I could ever ask for. It's going to be perfect for a pregnancy, because if I don't feel well I can just stay home and not come in until like 10 or so. If I need to leave to take a nap, I can do that, too. (Yeah, I've already done that several times. Three hour lunches are fantastic.)
So, in conclusion, I didn't trust that God knew what he was doing, but he definitely did. Everything happened the way it was supposed to. If I hadn't had the miscarriage, I would have never left my old job. Also, Marcelo just got a new job, so we are now in a much better position to have a baby. So we're trying. If our trying results in another miscarriage, yes I will be sad and it will be hard, but at least I will have the knowledge that it's happening for a reason and that things will turn out fine.

Shattered

These past three days have been the hardest days of my life. It's unbelievable that I have tears left.

On Monday, March 14th, I went for my 10 week check up at the doctor's office. I told the doctor that I had been having a little bit of spotting for a few days. He didn't like the sound of that. So he asked me how I had been feeling besides that. I told him I hadn't felt nauseous at all for over a week. Like an idiot, I thought this meant I was very lucky. He did not. He said we needed to do an ultrasound. So I was excited because during the ultrasound, I would get to hear little Fri Frí's heartbeat. The same nice lady who did my ultrasound in week 6 did this ultrasound. She looked really sad as she looked at the screen. I looked up at the screen and my heart just stopped. The baby looked like it was just floating. I saw her measure it, and it only measured 7 weeks and 6 days. It was supposed to measure 10 weeks 2 days. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know how wrong until she said, "I can't find a heartbeat." I thought, well just turn the volume up! I didn't want to believe it. She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry. It's not your fault." I was like, what? That's it? So I asked, "Is this for sure?" And she said yes. So I started to bawl uncontrollably. She told me to go to the bathroom to calm down and that I would see the doctor in a few minutes. So I tried to calm down, and she gave me my last picture of the baby. I went out into the hall to wait to see the doctor and all the nurses stopped me and said they were sorry and that it was not my fault. One lady said, "If it makes you feel any better, I had a miscarriage with my first one, and now I have six children." Miscarriage. I hate that word.

The doctor sat down to talk to me to give me my options. He said my first option was to go home and wait it out and let me body take care of it. He said I would have severe cramps and bleed a lot and that it would happen. He said my second option was to take a pill that would speed up the process and make my body take care of it naturally in a minimum of two days. My third option was to go in to the hospital and have what they call a Suction Dialation and Evacuation. I would be put to sleep for about 45 minutes and they would take care of it for me. I knew immediately what my decision would be. I could never in a million years flush my own baby down the toilet. I said, "I do not want to do this at home, alone. There is just no way. That would be way too traumatizing and I don't need to do that to myself." So I decided to go to the hospital. He scheduled me for the next day, and after what felt like half an hour, he let me leave. I got into my car and bawled hysterically. I called Marcelo and gave him the shock of his life. All along he had been saying, "Sweetie don't worry about the spotting. You're fine. You're going to have a healthy baby." So I felt horrible calling him while he was on his way to school to tell him the news. He picked up his phone and said, "Babe, calm down, what's wrong?" Through tears and sobs I said, "I lost the baby." He said, "You lost the baby?" And then didn't say anything for a long time while I just cried. Very quietly he said, "Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay. It's going to be okay. Calm down. Do you want me to send someone to pick you up?" I told him I could calm down enough to drive to my mom's house. He said he'd turn in his work for his class and turn around and drive home. Later, I found out that during his hour and a half drive home, he made phone calls to him family to tell them the news. The crappy, unfair news. He said that when his mom started crying, it hit him and he cried too.

Anyway, I went to my mom's house and sat on the couch crying until my mom came home. I could barely get the words out when she walked into the house and said, "Que pasó? Estás bien? Que pasó?" I said the words again: I lost the baby. And she sat on the couch and started crying with me. She said, "Pero porqué? Te pudieron decir porqué?" I told her what they told me: Something was wrong with the baby. It was probably going to have a genetic disorder and wasn't developing correctly. So my body knew it and didn't let the pregnancy continue. Despite all the nurses and the doctor telling me it wasn't my fault, I broke down and cried, telling my mom, "I just wish I could have done something differently. Maybe if I had eaten better, or hadn't been so stressed out...maybe things would have been different." She repeated what everyone else repeated and said that I couldn't blame myself. When my dad got home he hugged me and tried to comfort me. I said, "Well, now I'm not pregnant, I'm hungry, and I can't eat anything after midnight because I'm having my surgery, so I want sushi. Lots and lots of raw sushi." So my dad went out to get some while we waited for Marcelo to come. My mom and I sat on the couch and talked about other things to get my mind off of things. I was pretty calm and hadn't cried much for like an hour. And then Marcelo walked in with a huge teddy bear. I jumped up and hugged him and started crying all over again. I told my mom we would need a minute, and the two of us went to my old bedroom. We sat on the bed just hugging and crying. Through tears I asked him how he was. Through tears he said he was shocked. He said, "I just keep thinking about how I used to talk to your belly, and now I can't." Then he tried to calm me down and said, with his unbelievable faith, "It'll happen again. We'll get pregnant again. As soon as they tell you it's okay to start trying, we'll try again." I wasn't as optimistic. I don't know how long it will take me to be ready to try again. I'm not as strong and faithful as he is. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll have another miscarriage. I HATE THAT WORD. I used to listen to women tell me they had had miscarriages and I felt so deeply sorry for them. I would be like, wow, that must have been so hard. And I thought that it would never happen to me. I'm healthy. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I eat right. And now, I'm one of those women. I hate it.

So on Tuesday, March 15th, exactly one month after Marcelo and I went to the doctor and heard the baby's heartbeat, we went to the hospital at 7:30 in the morning. Marcelo, my mom, and Marcelo's parents all came with me. As the nurses took my blood and got me prepped for surgery, I did all I could to hold back the tears. Marcelo helped me put on my hospital gown and I got in the hospital bed. When we pulled the curtain open and my mom and his parents saw me, I said, "Have you ever seen someone look cuter in a hospital gown?" I tried to be strong. But after awhile, with the IV in my arm, and the surgery getting nearer, I couldn't take it anymore and broke down crying. It seems that my mom and Marcelo's mom had been doing the same, because as soon as they saw me crying, they reached for the tissues. Everyone talked to me and told me that God had a plan for me and that he would send me another baby. I joked and said, "He better send me two to make up for this one." The nurse I had was awesome. Her name was Manon, pronounced, "Manó." She was French Canadian. She said she was also 10 weeks pregnant when she had her first miscarriage. She said, "I know what everyone is telling you. I know they are saying that it's okay and that you will get pregnant again and that you will have another baby. And I know that you want them all to shut up because all you can feel right now is the pain and all you want to do is cry. And I know the doctor told you to wait at least 3 months before you try again. But let me tell you something. Exactly one month after my first miscarriage, I was pregnant again, and the doctor wanted to slap me. But my daughter is three years old now. And my second is three months old." That gave me a tiny spark of hope, but I don't think I'll be that lucky, and I won't even risk it. They say the less time I wait, the more chances I have of having another miscarriage, and this is definitely not an experience I'd like to repeat. Anyway, after awhile, my doctor came in. He talked to me a little and then I gave everyone kisses and got wheeled off to surgery. I barely remember anything. I remember being put to sleep, and then being woken up in the recovery room. The nurse said, "We're done." And tried to get me to wake up. It hit me what had just happened, so I started to cry. She said, "Are you okay, are you in pain?" And I said, "No, I'm just emotional." I got wheeled out to the car, and Marcelo drove me to my mom's house. I felt fine for the whole day. I had a little bit of cramps, but nothing serious. Marcelo picked up my prescriptions for me, but we didn't think I'd need the painkillers because I was doing fine. I talked to my mom for a long time, and finally went home around 7 at night. She said she'd come over the next day around 2. I was worried because I didn't want to have to be alone all morning. I knew that if I was, I'd just cry all day. But nature took care of that. When I woke up on Wednesday morning, I had the most severe cramps I've ever had in my life. They came in waves, every few minutes, until I realized what I was having was contractions. I asked Marcelo for the pain killers, and he called work to say he'd be late because I was in pain. They called back and told him to take the whole day off to be with me. I had cramps for hours. I thought I'd pass out after awhile, but my stupid body wouldn't give me that pleasure. When I thought I was still pregnant, I would talk to people about having a natural childbirth without any drugs. I thought if my mom could do it, I could do it, and I thought I could be tough. But after these severe cramps and contractions, I'm like, screw it, when I do get pregnant again, I want an epidural.

All day long, the phone rang off the hook. I refused to talk to anyone though, because why would I want to talk about it? I was angry. I felt like, if you're not my mom or my husband, and if you haven't had a miscarriage yourself, I don't want to talk to you because you have no idea how I feel.

Today I'm by myself for the first time. I'm not going back to work until next week. One of my coworkers is having a baby shower at work tomorrow. A baby shower I helped plan. But I'm just not ready to deal with that. I don't want to leave the room crying and make her feel bad during her shower. So I'll stay home. I'm trying to be less mad at my body. I was watching Oprah with my mom yesterday, and there was this lady who said she had two miscarriages before she had her daughter and that she felt like a failure. I started crying because that's exactly how I feel. I feel like my body betrayed me. I feel like my body completely sucks. I still feel a little like this whole thing is my fault. I feel scared out of my mind that I'm going to have to wait like 10 years to have kids, or worse, not be able to have them at all. I'm trying to stop thinking like this, but it's really hard right now. I'm angry and I'm sad, and I don't know what to do with myself. Everything changed in a split second.

This has been therapeutic. But now I'm done. I don't want to cry anymore.

Nine weeks

Ok, so I'm nine weeks today. I have been doing very very well. Naseous about 80% of the time, but I'm dealing with it because I'm incredibly tough. ha. No really, I'm actually dealing with it quite well.

Marcelo's sister is pregnant too. She's about 5 or 6 weeks ahead of me. She gets really sick when she's pregnant, so she's kinda annoyed that I'm not really sick. Two weeks ago, she was like, "You'll be throwing up by week 9." I have been determined to prove her wrong.

Well. I threw up last night. My stomach was pretty empty, so it was pretty painful. I hate vomitting. I'm so bummed that Michelle was right.

STILL, that's only once so far!! So if I can make it to 12 weeks with no more barfing, I should be in the clear. I'm so excited. I'm nervous, scared, anxious, but mostly unbelievably excited. It's all I've ever wanted.

My husband has been amazing. I tell him he needs to stop spoiling me. He has pretty much done everything for me for the past two weeks. He won't take no for an answer. Hey, who am I to argue? If he wants to make dinner while I lay on the couch, I'm not going to take that away from him!

I love him. And I love little Fri Frí.

BIG NEWS

Wow, this has been the longest absense ever!!! Okay, well, here is the update:

In July we bought our second house. (We rented out our first one.) We're very happy because we have more space, and we're closer to our families. I started working at a local university as an Attendance Clerk/Administrative Assistant. I had a night class in the summer about 40 minutes away. Then, from August to December, I continued to work at the U, and took two night classes in Orlando. On December 14th, 2004, I graduated with my Bachelor's degree. In January, I got promoted to Registrar.

BUT, the bigger news is, in December, actually on December 1st, Marcelo told me he was ready to start trying to have a baby. I pulled him off the couch and said, "Well then let's get started!" I was so ready, but I hadn't been pushing the issue, because I wanted to wait until he was ready. I was shocked when he said he was ready in December. I hadn't expected to hear those words until about March. Sooooo, we stopped being careful in December. At the end of December we went to Colombia. It was absolutely wonderful. We had sooooo much fun! I still can't believe Marcelo was actually there with me, on my grandparents' farm, in La Tienda, at Cabecera, everywhere!! It was craziness. I'm so happy we got to go. I was there for two weeks, but he was only there for one. We were away from each other for a week, which was the longest time we've been apart in like 3 years. So it was a little sad. But the reunion was wonderful.....and productive............

On January 27th, I found out I was pregnant!!!!! (The 27th is my special number. March 27th is my birthday, we got maried on June 27th, and on January 27th we found out we were having a baby.) We only told our parents right away, and asked them not to say anything. A few days later, after I had taken 4 pregnancy tests to be sure, we told our immediate family. Two weeks later, I got a blood test and gave my mom permission to tell the extended family. On Tuesday, Feb. 15th, Marcelo and I went to the doctor for my first prenatal visit. I got an ultrasound and got to see the tiny little peanut moving around, and we got to hear the heartbeat!!! I'm seven weeks pregnant. I'm due October 7th. I'm so unbelieveably happy and excited. And I haven't felt sick yet. I've had a little bit of nausea, but very mild. No vomitting. I feel fine!It's crazy. I can't believe it yet. But I'm so excited!! I'M PREGNANT!

SCHOOL IS OUT

Well, school is not out YET. Two more exams to go. And then it's out. And then two weeks vacation....which won't really be vacation. I will spend the two weeks fulfilling my wifely duties that I have semi-ignored for the past month. This means I will be hardcore cleaning. Kitchen, bathrooms, closets, bedroom, computer room. The storage room, surprisingly, is the only one that is nice and neat right now. Oh and the living room. I'm good at keeping that one nice and neat. But as soon as we get a little cash flow, the storage room will become the baby room. And then I have no idea where all the junk will go. We need a garage. Hmmm, what else do I need to do? Oh, organize our filing cabinet. But I'm NOT touching the patio. Marcelo will have to do that. It's all his junk out there, not mine. Paintball gear, tools, boy stuff, and more boy stuff.

I've been working out. 30 minutes per day of squats, lunges, push ups, crunches, and so much more. And I'm actually enjoying it. Lifting by butt is my main motivation. And it's working. YES.

I should really be studying. But I don't feel like it at all. I'll put it off just a bit longer.

No I won't. I really need to or I'll fail.

Bored

I'm at school in the computer lounge and I'm bored. So I thought I'd update since I haven't in forever. Life is good. Just going to school fulltime for this semester. I'm taking 19 credit hours, so it's a heavy load...which means I'm not working right now. My poor husband is doing all the working. But the semester will be over in April and I'll go back to the working scene. Well, part-time. I'll be taking a summer class for the first part of the semester, so I'll be at school everyday. But the second semester I'll be working full time and taking one night class (if all goes as planned) and for the fall semester I'll take two more night classes and transition into the working world during the day. I'm so excited to graduate. I'm really glad I took 6 classes this semester to get the bulk of it over with. I just hope I pass Public Relations. That's the class I've kind of ignored out of all my classes. Marcelo was promoted to Manager at Richard's, which was really good for us, (and allowed me to not have to work this semester), and he going to school three nights a week. Community College sucks.

I still miss my brother. But he's loving Spain. He's sooooooo happy to be on his mission. And he got so lucky because he got sent to a beautiful place. He sends us pictures or Cornellá every once in awhile. Probably in about 4 weeks he'll be sent to another area either in Barcelona or close to there. As much as I miss him, I know he's doing the right thing.

So yeah, The Passion of the Christ came out. I'm not interested in seeing it. I already know the story of Christ. I know what he did for us and I'm forever grateful, but I don't think seeing the movie will help me understand it any better than I already do. I don't think I want to put those images in my mind. There is really no need. I'm sure it's a good depiction of what happened, but I already know what happened, so I'll be okay without seeing it.

In other news, I have baby fever. I mean, of course I will wait until after I get my Bachelor's in December, but I have baby fever like crazy. I see mother's with babies all around me, and I'm just like, ok yes, I'm ready for that. I want to be a mommy. Marcelo wants it too, but he tries to be the strong and logical one in the relationship and says, "Your dad will kill me if you don't finish school." I know. I know, I know, I know. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. Everytime I see Nunzio I want to eat him. He's so freaking cute it's unbelievable. Maybe I just think that because he's my nephew. But come on, he's got the fattest, rosy cheeks ever.

What shall I eat today? I'm hungry but everything on campus is expensive. Except for Wendy's which I am so sick of. Maybe Subway. A pizziola or whatever. Yeah.

Next week is Spring Break. I'll be interning at Telemundo for a few days, and then going to see Nunzio. And his parents. I will be away from my husband for 4 days, which will be the longest time we are away from each other since......since over a year ago when I went to Utah. It'll be weird.

That's all.

You better watch out, you better not cry.

Wow, it takes me an average of 3 months to update this thing now. I really don't have much time. Plus, my dial-up is sooooooo slow, so I'm over using the computer 5 minutes after I get on.

There isn't anything special to update. Everything is going well. Marcelo and I are enjoying our house and the little time that we have together between work and school and church and all our responsibilities. We're on winter break right now, which is nice cuz we get to see each other everyday after work, and don't have to stress out about classes. Friday is my last day at my job at the law office. I'm so happy I'm done with this place. (I'm at work right now. All alone. So I just called Sweni long distance. hehe) I liked being a part of a law firm, just not THIS law firm. Mr. M is the worst, most unprofessional lawyer I have ever met. But it's over now, so that's fantastic. I'll be taking 6 classes next semester, which leaves little time for a job. That doesn't mean I'm not going to have one....it's just going to be hard to work my schedule.

Our orange tree has oranges again! They are soooooo delicious. Marcelo made me fresh squeezed juice this morning. Yum. So it's Christmas Eve, right? And I'm so incredibly sad. But I'm ignoring the sadness because I don't want to cry...yet. I know tonight I'll bawl like a baby, but I'm trying to hold out as long as possible. I miss my brother so much. I wish I could see him today. Christmas will definitely not be the same without him. It will be the first Christmas EVER without him. And the thing that sucks is that I have to go through this again next Christmas. I feel horrible because I waited too long to send his package, and now it won't get there until after Christmas. So he has nothing to open tomorrow. I feel so bad. I hope he doesn't have a really crappy day. I hope he's happy. Ok, no more of this because I'll cry. You can't understand what it's like unless you know him. He is the life of everything. He makes everything fun. And now that he's halfway across the planet, he has left a huge hole in our lives. It sucks. But I know he's doing the right thing, and I'm proud of him. And I know he's loving Spain.

Ok, time to go home!!!! Yay.